WE ARE THE 99%

[Chilli]

Feedback: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143057&p=1850468#p1850468

WE ARE THE 99%

We are the 99 percent
Trying to find the’ sense
In a world which rises to defence
Of a failing system wired to prevent
Intelligent minds from rising up against
The few holding back our desire to ascend
Instead we waste our minds to try provide the rent
Waste our smiles and eyesight, blinded by expense
No longer should we sit by quiet on the fence
Billions of people are living in poverty
While these individual billionaires kill the economy
It’s a rich man’s world based on criminal policies
Where these people praise and preach pseudo liberal philosophies
This is democracy: you’re free to choose
And despite what they say, you don’t need to lose
You can be the dude who reads between the news
And can see these views feed the greedy few
If only people knew, we don’t need to consume
We can grow to see the truth; me and you.
There’s no higher power that can save the day
But you ain’t a slave, stand and make a change

CHORUS
We are the 99%
Who put the teacher’s pet in charge of us?
If we hold together, keep it strong
We won’t need mathematics no more cos we won’t carry the one

Freedom. The philosophy of capital
The choice is yours although the opposite is actual
"Shape your own lives if profit is compatible
Make your own mind, democracy is magical!"
The last two years have been a cloud of depression
I found myself bowing down to the pressure
But a shift in perception switched my direction
Now each day poses many thousands of questions

CHORUS

Your family tree was granted the advantage
Of being planted in the land of the free
Each man has a chance to expand and advance
Protect and understand why he's planted his seed
Providing a life for a child and a wife
Was the test for a man to be happy and free
To actually see what was handed to me
A cancerous disease hides the answers we seek
Plaguing with possibilities of prosperity
What’s scaring me is we swam into deep
And the part of the tale that is saddest to me
We destroyed the world to prove man isn’t weak
Now we’re trapped in these lives that we hate
And we buy and we waste to try and find why it’s this way
Some can’t afford the way of life that we’ve made
So they fade, smiles decayed, minds are erased

I'm learning lessons on the greed of this race
Number 1 comes first, all allegiance can wait
People will search for a reason to hate
We need to be saved from the beasts we became
I wait for the day when the seasons will change
When we're free from the rage and evil's erased
Mankind's too blind to see what's at stake
So I stay in this state between sleep and awake
The heated debate between reason and faith
Is evidence enough we're preceded by apes
It's natural for us to deceive and to take
But somehow we’re the superior race?
Get fucked, I just won’t believe it
And I’m getting to a point where I know the reasons
People like me and you hope and dream
While these psychopaths fight to control the seed
Apply evolution to the topic of our mind
The ruthless always win while the honest creatures die
We’re being held back by the greed at the top
But we don’t need to live as these people we’re not

CHORUS

If you wanna hear this, am I allowed to link y'all to the Youtube video here?

[Mr.DGAF]

This is actually really good dude, I was surprised. I don't think I've seen you post a piece here, and if you did, I must've missed it. Because I was expecting something from a first timer, which it appears you are not. There's decent to good rhyming, but you actually get your point across so it makes it even more impressive. Alot of people add in shit just to form the rhyme but it seemed like for the most part, you knew what you were doing. The flow at the beginning was really smooth, I saw the lines getting longer and longer and wondered how it would work. But to be honest, it was pretty good, up until this point:

The few holding back our desire to ascend
Instead we waste our minds to try provide the rent

The last line may be just me though, I have a hard time saying words that start with the same letter consecutively haha. Another thing to work on is rhyme scheme transitions.

Waste our smiles and eyesight, blinded by expense
No longer should we sit by quiet on the fence
Billions of people are living in poverty
While these individual billionaires kill the economy

The schemes just changes there, and it can throw off the flow a bit. There's tons of ways to make it a smoother transition, but the one I typically use is throwing in the same rhyme from the end of the last bar into the first half of the next line. But again, you can do what you want.

I wasn't feeling the hook too much, except for the mathematics line. I kinda liked that part, but the rest of it just didn't flow too well for me man.

Your family tree was granted the advantage
Of being planted in the land of the free
Each man has a chance to expand and advance
Protect and understand why he's planted his seed
Providing a life for a child and a wife
Was the test for a man to be happy and free
To actually see what was handed to me
A cancerous disease hides the answers we seek

The scheme here is kind of weird, at least just for text, which is really all we can critique. It looked like you were gonna go with an A,B,A,B scheme but then it switches to the child and wife line and then back to free. At least for myself, wife doesn't rhyme with any of the outside rhymes. But it looks like you recorded this, and on audio that's not really a problem at all as long as the rhymes end up placed correctly on the beat.

Anyways, it was pretty good dude. I was actually presently surprised. There is some stuff you could touch up on, of course, but all in all it was pretty decent. Keep at it.

Also, mind returning the feed? http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=143023

[Chilli]

Yeah, my friend wrote the chorus. It jsut fit the melody so it worked. It's so different to read than t listen so I'mma just post this shit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKqdFDvVtdM

I'll definitely return the feed when I have more time. Thanks so much for the in depth critique, dude. Really means a lot. I'll be posting up a lot more here in the future. I've been writing for a while, just never really shared much.

For that bit you're talking about I was going for the "providing a life/child and a wife" rhyme and then continuing the other rhyme scheme in the next line.

[Spyder]

nice lyrics, i gotta say nice audio man. i knew just by the lyrics your were from the UK and the track confirmed accent-wise haha. i like some UK rappers like Rhyme Asylum <3

ride the beat well. your delivery is a little too deep toned, try lightening it up just for rap delivery, i do it.
sounds like the vocals could be a little louder but mixing seemed ok other than that

damn i love that hook, if its not to weird could you ask your friend to do a hook for me hahah

hit me up sometime if you wanna collab

[Chilli]

Mos def, dude. But I'm not English, I'm Australian. I get told I sound British all the time though. But thanks so much, dude. I'd love to collab with anyone more than anything, I'll pm with you some deetz! And yeah, the mixing and EQing's a little shoddy. The guy I recorded it with left for Vietnam the day after we recorded so I didn't get a chance to properly mix it but meeeh, it's listenable.

Also Rhyme Asylum are the shiiiiit.

[Man1x]

Fuck the 99%..... hahaha nah man great verse. Dido on what my boy Mr. DGAF said.

[Chilli]

Thanks bro!

[SliK]

I would go as far to say the best piece I have read here. Full of quotables, I was tempted to stop reading and start tweeting lines haha. I finished the first verse and was already thinking "This is the only piece I have read that I really WANTED to hear". Seriously dude, it was great. And I'm Australian too and listen to Triple J all the time, I will be sure to keep and ear out for you.

Honestly man, good stuff

-edit-

5 Star'd you on Triple J unearthed too

[Chilli]

Wow man. Thanks a lot. That really, really means a lot. If you go to my Facebook page (www.facebook.com/PotentialACT) you'll be able to find links to download my mixtape.

[recollectg4]

That sounds a lot like the NWO and what is happening right now in our world. Very impressive words and song as it tells a story of what everyone needs to hear, minus the cursing, and learn what is really going on around us and who is pulling the strings. I would love you hear this song. Thank you for posting it here.