"Determination" ( Fiasco Day 1)

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

First day of the Fiasco experiment, I actually liked doing this verse a lot because I wrote it in literally about 30 -40 minutes and my past verses have been basically 2-3 day projects lol, but yeah I realize some lines dont add up but they went with the beat!
Anyway:

BEAT: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMlVayY4ecU
LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146154

Verse-

Staying on track with this rap I'll never give up
People are asking am I blessed with this luck
I say probably not the question is just
does Hard work run through my blood and veins
or is it my brain and it comes cause I'm crazed
or mentally deranged but Fuck what they say
Maybe I was meant to spit it must've been fate
Its crazy how I'm getting it I've come here to stay
Never lazy when I rip this shit I'm stuffing the page
with stuff that I say, haters come near so I shove them away
But I love them today they made determination
when they left me with demons emmerced in hatred
till I burst in flames and show up with hurt and anger
so I just curse their names and work away
I wont work with satan I'll be a success
I got a few guys who believe in me yes
then theres a few hoes who would leave me for dead
So I'll spit till I die and I breath my last breath!

[Slim Fiasco]

That was nice man! I liked the theme and I'd say it's hard work that makes the difference, haha. It's cool that you maintained your idea through out the whole piece, and didn't switch up to something random. You also said something more in there, alluding to people who can doubt us, and people who support us. I liked the rhyming as well and that beat fit the mood of the lyrics. It's great that you write your pieces to a beat, just tell me do you try to make the rhymes fall on a snare? Not that that's a must, but it's preferable so that your flow can become good faster (IMO). I have difficulties with pronouncing words on English, specially when rapping, so I couldn't really tell.

[SG.]

I find it odd that your lines are different syllable lengths, it put me off the flow a bit. I really liked the theme though (although I was hoping the free rein Fiasco gave us with the topic would lead to some out-of the box ideas. BTW, mine isn't). But overall, great, can't wait to see what you've got for the rest of the week.

[Slim Fiasco]

But overall, great, can't wait to see what you've got for the rest of the week.

This is what I like most about it. I'm not even that excited for writing my verses, as much as I like to see what the others come up with. Should be a great challenge, all the participants bring coolness.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

@ Slim Fiasco, I just now realized your not English! lol I feel like an idiot but yeah, I honestly have no idea I might try to put the rhymes on the snares but if I do I do it without realizing, I think what really helps with flow is like taking some other rappers tracks memorizing and spitting them and it kind of gives you a feel for the flow I guess, when I spit it out loud my flow seems to be on track for most of the time at least lol.

and @ zabe, thanks man, I kind of thought I was going to try something more creative but I actually have one that like that that I'm pretty proud of and I'm going to post it after the challenge is over lol. I have been wanting to do this topic for a while and decided to do it this morning! Also, I hate counting syllables I just use beats to make sure it flows okay ( to me at least ) lol. Thanks for the feed guys!

[Slim Fiasco]

I understand. Well, I think that you must record yourself and see how it turns out because it almost always sounds great in your head, hahah. Unfortunately, but it is the case with every upcoming rapper. It's great in your head but not so much in reality. We hear our voices differently than they really are due to the vibrations from inside our body. That's why everybody is surprised when they first hear themselves speaking on a recording.

I have a thread that includes a tutorial about how to count bars and how to become able to naturally anticipate the snare. You can check it out here, if you don't feel like reading the whole thing, then just read the last part which is about the things I'm talking you about - viewtopic.php?f=29&t=142636

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Hmm that is really interesting lol! I'll check it out.

[Slim Fiasco]

Hmm that is really interesting lol! I'll check it out.

You should, haha. Hope it helps you!

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Thanks for the feedback guys!
@ Geno, I was trying to go fast on this one lol.
@ name thanks a lot dude, I will definitely experiment with some different flows and try to expand my vocab, I just hate readding the dictionary! lol but you gotta do it lol

[Mr.DGAF]

Good verse homie. You're getting a lot better. Not much to say about this, it's a well written verse. Good stuff man, keep improving.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Lol true that!!

[CrashBand]

Like a few others I struggled with the flow. Due to the amount of syllables in lines.

You seem to have multis down though. Your vocab is still quite limited often with chains of multis consisting of 2 or 3 common single-syllable words.

Another thing you could try with this experiment is wordplay.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

@ Crashband yeah I have been trying to do some wordplay and expand my vocabulary a bit more but When I try to think of wordplay nothing really comes to my head, Its just hard to think of things for me I guess haha but I will try to improve on that!

@ Menzo, dang I wish I would have realized that, Thanks for the feed dude.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Thanks TRex will do!

[CrashBand]

Thanks TRex will do!

Ah.

I was wondering the reason ShAdYTiLIDie had 2 full pages of feed