Porn and Prostitutes ( Fiasco Day 2)

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

What up yall, I actually counted the syllables on this one so hopefully its better.

LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146187

Verse-
Before women man my life was alright
It changed up so heres advice for yall guys
dont get a bitch whos mesmerizing your eyes
You'll end up broke as hell buying her rides
and you wont impress them by fighting a fire
or trying to climb mountains high as the sky
theyll just leave you alone crying at night
you need a girl who energizes your mind
like a lightening strike with disguises she finds
and who wont mind if you cream pie in her eyes
cause if you find a dime shell be dropping you
for the next guy who rimes and got her booze
and that fool will prolly score her momma too
Now she spreads rumors "your dicks a molecule"
Getting a girl whos faithful.. impossible
But wait theres some more I've got for you
if a whore is hot for you scorching rockin boots
think of this rap and use porn and prostitutes!

[Words]

Ah true love....teh porn and the prostitutes!
lol

Some good advice there, generally speaking you can't buy love and if you try you'll just end up spending a lot of your hard earned money trying to do so... a feeling I know all too well. You had some good multies in this piece, they worked with your advice giving/storytelling aspects of the piece and they didn't seem to forced.

[CrashBand]

You're very smooth with your multis now ShadyTillIDie (need a shorter username tbh)

dime shell be dropping you
rimes and got her booze--->didn't quite line up, needs an extra syllable in the second

"like a lightening strike with disguises she finds" didn't really get that line. I'm not sure if I'm being an idiot though.

[Slim Fiasco]

First of all, I like the title and the last line, sounds cool as fuck, haha. The rhyming and the length of lines are excellent, and my favorite part was this:

you need a girl who energizes your mind
like a lightening strike with disguises she finds
and who wont mind if you cream pie in her eyes

It's such a great contrast to kinda glorify a girl in a more romantic way, and then go the cream pie round, lol. So yeah, great work, keep up with it!

[Mr.DGAF]

Good stuff man. But along with Crash, I didn't get that line. In some cases I think that maybe it was added just for the rhyme. Which is okay, but you should work to try and make sure every syllable of every word has a purpose. I'm only saying that because I think it's one way for you to improve. You're getting better quickly, so its important to expand even farther even as a (somewhat) newer writer.

[ShAdYTiLIDie]

Lol I was wondering if I should have put that line in or not lol, I was meaning how some girls dress up in cop outfits or nurse outfits and stuff like that, I definitely see how its not gettable lol shoulda just left it out, Anyways, thanks for the feed guys!

[SG.]

Most impressive piece I've seen from you so far. Smooth multies, nice piece overall. However, it may be just me, but the lines looked very short. It's like your piece is only 8 bars.