Tyler Durden

[Kill You]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=152757&p=2110610#p2110610


Got Emcees lined up, this is my Fight Club
Call me Tyler Durden because I don't like chumps
High, on bourbon, and in the back I did nine bumps
Liar for certain, claim you're not wack and then line-punch!
Oops, I got shit backwards I usually don't slack words
Must have left my brain in the back woods when I went to go attack birds
Yeah, and ever since you left me I've been having withdrawls
Unlucky in life so I went up to the kid beside me and switched straws
Back in the day when all we had to worry about was getting picked for ball
Now all I have to worry about is spitting raw
Shit, always hitting hard never getting soft
Like I swallowed a whole bottle of Viagra, now get me off
And now I'm getting pissed off so I'm flicking you off
What did you say, Shawty? You got my dick in your jaw

[Solace]

You should really try focusing on just having better lines rather than shooting out these lack luster verses so fast. Seriously, sit down and concentrate and don't try to bump out several 2 syllable multi-rhymes in a sentence...Just relax with it dude. And yeah, work on your lines because there is no way that flows on any beat no matter how hard you try to force it to. You start off with a 10 syllable line and it turns to almost 20. It's real awkward. And stop with corny shit

Shit, always hitting hard never getting soft
Like I swallowed a whole bottle of Viagra, now get me off

Yeah, ha-ha, you're so hard it's like you're using Viagra...Nice one? You also have a lot of trouble staying on topic, or at least tying ideas together properly. I don't care if I sound too harsh, because all I really see these days is "Yeah man, nice shit, work on ya flow and you'll be nice. Really liked dat rhyme " in CW, and I'm being fairly nice with this piece. But forreal, you seem like you want quantity>quality when you really need to sit down, relax for a few days and get a straight and proper 16 out.

[Kill You]

It might seem like it doesn't flow to you but really, when I rap it out loud it flows well. I really like this one and I actually did sit down and take my time with this one. The last few lines are kinda lazy I'll admit but most of it I took my time. Glad you actually said how you feel though but there IS a way it flows lol. Not on a beat, it's an accapella but still flowed for me...if I was writing to a beat I'd be writing differently. For now I'm dipping my toes in the water and trying to get feedback.

I know my topic is all over the place, I do it on purpose. I feel with this one I was a bit more focused though.

[Solace]

You could say that with anything, "Oh when I rap it out loud to myself yeah it flows but..Oh right it doesn't flow on a beat..."

[Kill You]

You could say that with anything, "Oh when I rap it out loud to myself yeah it flows but..Oh right it doesn't flow on a beat..."

Exactly lol. You're not here to hear it. When I rapped this out loud to my friend a few minutes ago he was like "holy shit,"

[Solace]

Yeah, but you're writing it like a rap. I know this is general creative writing, but this is a rap, and you're talking about "spitting" verses in the rap (even though this is just written). And rap is done out loud on a beat. And acapellas are capable of being placed onto beats depending on the bpm. You constructing the beat in your mind and trying to flow it to that when the lines are uneven and syllables are off by even just the slightest 1 or 2 means it doesn't flow. 'Cause like I said, and like you agreed with me, you could say that about anything. I could read a paragraph from a novel and say it flows, because I'm forcing it to conform to a rhythm in my mind. That's crap though.

[Kill You]

Yeah, but you're writing it like a rap. I know this is general creative writing, but this is a rap, and you're talking about "spitting" verses in the rap (even though this is just written). And rap is done out loud on a beat. And acapellas are capable of being placed onto beats depending on the bpm. You constructing the beat in your mind and trying to flow it to that when the lines are uneven and syllables are off by even just the slightest 1 or 2 means it doesn't flow.

You don't need a beat to rap lol...only a few lines are uneven and even then they're not off by a lot. I'll admit in my other verses my lines are uneven but this one isn't really. I must read this TOTALLY different than you guy. Also NONE of the verses I've read on this site are perfect line for line like that.

I did not construct a beat in my mind. All I did was just type the words and rap them in my head. If I had a certain beat or rhythm in mind then yes, I would be writing like that but I'm not. There's no beat, all I have are words.

Really, you guys all say my flow sucks but when I'm rapping these to my friends they like it. So it must be text not translating very well. I add words and lines for a reason. And for the record, I think my last two raps are more on topic than anything else I've done. Including this one. This one isn't all over the place like you're making it lol.

Like I wrote the verse like this so you guys wouldn't complain about structure...apparently I'm still in need of work?

[Solace]

You don't need a beat to rap lol...only a few lines are uneven and even then they're not off by a lot. I'll admit in my other verses my lines are uneven but this one isn't really. I must read this TOTALLY different than you guy. Also NONE of the verses I've read on this site are perfect line for line like that.

You don't need a beat to rap but when you rap it has to follow some sort of rhythm, otherwise it's simply wrong. You can't rap without rhythm. Rap is rhythm and poetry. If you're not following a rhythm then you're incapable of knowing how many syllables you're off. Also, that's because most of the CW people relatively suck now. That's harsh, but it's not false. There was a point in time where almost every verse in CW was pristine in terms of structure, flow, rhyme schemes, content, originality, etc. Especially by McMaybe. NcMaybe, Sentus, Block, DerdyPK, Emady, etc. Older posters. All capable of flowing without flaw in text.

I did not construct a beat in my mind. All I did was just type the words and rap them in my head. If I had a certain beat or rhythm in mind then yes, I would be writing like that but I'm not. There's no beat, all I have are words.

So exactly, you're writing without any sort of rhythm prepared...Illogical. Don't tell me it flows perfectly fine when you aren't following any rhythm. You HAVE to follow a rhythm. No one on earth has rapped without rhythm.

Really, you guys all say my flow sucks but when I'm rapping these to my friends they like it. So it must be text not translating very well. I add words and lines for a reason.

It's not like people are trying to pick on you, jesus lol. I don't care if your friends thought this was Illmatic worthy. I know more about writing and being capable of flowing properly than you or they do. I'm not doing this for my personal benefit of being able to rejoice that I may have helped someone improve today. You need feedback and I'm giving it.

And for the record, I think my last two raps are more on topic than anything else I've done. Including this one. This one isn't all over the place like you're making it lol.

About your topic, yeah I don't really get how this is on topic. You can say "The topic is how lyrical and crazy I am" if you want to, but everything is scattered. You began explaining you're the host of a hip-hop Fight Club. Then you're battle rapping someone...Then you must have left your brain the back woods when you went to go attack birds. I promise you, that wasn't as witty or clever as it was when you wrote it. You continue by saying "ever since you (previously you was the person you were dissing, but now it's odd)...withdrawals" Seems like something you'd say to an ex or possibly a personification of a drug, but not someone you were battle rapping. Then your life is unlucky. You went from being the top of a hip-hop Fight Club to battle rapping to being alone and struggling with the stress of adult life compared to childhood. And now you're all hard, almost like viagara (ha-ha), and now you're angry so I'm getting flipped off with my dick in my jaw. What?

I know artists typically do grapple different subjects, but the transitioning and correlation is much more apparent. Here you could have easily ripped lines out of the verse and it wouldn't have felt like it was missing anything except for the lack of lines themselves, not the content.

Like I wrote the verse like this so you guys wouldn't complain about structure...apparently I'm still in need of work?

I didn't complain about structure. Actually, no one did. You should be happy people picked on it to help you improve in even the slightest sense. Anyway, syllable count falls under flowing. Structure isn't even a big deal, it just makes reading a rapped piece immensely difficult if the piece lacks it, but it isn't hard to correct. You're just placing the end rhymes...At the end. I know you've seen lyric websites for, let's say Eminem lyrics. Those are typically all properly structured. Your structure is fine. It was messed up on a previous piece of yours I read, but here it's fine.

I know you probably don't appreciate this, getting your verse knocked on (esp. one you really appreciate for what it is yourself) is terrible. I'm not trying to hate. If you don't agree with what I say then I don't really care, I figured I had time to help you out but if you're interested in learning in other ways and continuing what you've got going on that's completely cool. I won't post again 'cause I feel like I've beaten a rotting, old, nasty, corpse horse from once upon a time. If you want more loving comments wait until CanadaPure, or bigray, or SilK comments. Sorry for such a long post, but I felt something like this was either give you a shitty explanation, or give you something more in depth and see how you feel about it. I have to get to bed though, night.

[Kill You]

As I said, the last few lines were fucking lazy. I realized I was nearing 16 bars so I just wanted to end it.

I do appreciate the input and I'm glad you explained it a little better. You're right when you say doing this over the internet is hard to translate and everything especially without a beat. Guess there was no set topic you're right about that, but then again I didn't intend for one.

I honestly randomly name these verses lol. I named it Tyler Durden only because I mentioned him. I could have gone far with the concept though, you're right about that as well. I really don't mean to sound like I'm ungrateful it's just at first I took your criticism the wrong way. After you kind of explained it better it became clearer. The only thing that got me really was that you said that it was impossible for this to flow when I make it flow. But perhaps I could have explained myself better there as well.

Thanks for the input again, I will take the criticism and try to improve.

[Sam.]

Ain't nobody got time for that conversation, I'll feed what I just read.

I don't find anything that would hold my interest. I read few bars and already felt that it was boring and lacked the punch. The phrasing suffered a lot and it felt it was compromised just to fit in the 2 Syllable Rhymes. You jsut couldn't phrase it properly and seemed to struggle when you decide to add inner Multis. Not only did it blew the structure it fucked the flow big time. I know how it feels because many of my older pieces were just like this, and when I read it after a while, it sucked. Same here. You're just blown away by the way you placed you rhymes. Rap, is more than just Rhymes.

[Mr.DGAF]

Yeah, the flow is a bit tough to discern. I'd suggest writing to a beat. Even a YouTube beat man, it can help immensely with your flow (at least for others). I know it flows for you but you post pieces for others to enjoy/critique. Just find something with a slow tempo and write. Trust me, it will help even the strangest of structures.

Next, I'd suggest really writing to a topic. These random verses are fun in practice, but putting them all out becomes a bit boring. Find a topic and really stick to it, it will really help keep even your random verses a bit more focused.

Also, if you do release some random verses, you've gotta make it appealing. On this site, that means rhyming. Not necessarily a multi at the end of the bar, which you seem to have a decent idea of. But rather some internal rhymes to help maintain cadence, and to make it sound more appealing to the reader. Rhyming isn't everything, but it's something new writers should practice on. Not so much that its all you rely on, but rather that you have the option to fuse decent bursts of rhyming with well thought out topics and ideas.

Practice on the little things. A lot of what Solace and Sam said is true, I just wanted to add on a little bit to what they said.

[Kill You]

Ain't nobody got time for that conversation, I'll feed what I just read.

I don't find anything that would hold my interest. I read few bars and already felt that it was boring and lacked the punch. The phrasing suffered a lot and it felt it was compromised just to fit in the 2 Syllable Rhymes. You jsut couldn't phrase it properly and seemed to struggle when you decide to add inner Multis. Not only did it blew the structure it fucked the flow big time. I know how it feels because many of my older pieces were just like this, and when I read it after a while, it sucked. Same here. You're just blown away by the way you placed you rhymes. Rap, is more than just Rhymes.

Thank you for your honesty.

I think after I find a topic and concentrate on not pumping them out then they will be better. I post them on facebook and yeah they get some likes but I know these verses are probably gonna suck to me in like a year. I post them on here to get feedback as well and I'm learning from your comments. You guys got on me about structure and that's what I did and it's produced slightly better rhymes but still probably very shitty to veterans.

One big reason I'm pumping them out so fast is I'm going through some personal things in my life and doing these random little ramble raps really helps. Because in reality these verses ultimately go nowhere except in the trash. I post them on here to get a more professional critique from people who have been rhyming far longer than I instead of from people on facebook who look at all the rhymes and are like "wow" but really don't know shit about rhymes.

[Sam.]

Read the drops by Ego and Spyder, you'll learn a fucking lot.

[Just Silver]

i actually like the way it flowed reminded my of Tyler the creator
no idea why so much hate maybe a beat wouldve helped but in no way should this have gotten bashed so badly

lines near the end sorta went downhill tho now that im flowing it but otherwise as a whole
wasnt terrible

decent piece but def needs work

[Block]

http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=152757&p=2110610#p2110610


Got Emcees lined up, this is my Fight Club
Call me Tyler Durden because I don't like chumps
High, on bourbon, and in the back I did nine bumps
Liar for certain, claim you're not wack and then line-punch!
Oops, I got shit backwards I usually don't slack words
Must have left my brain in the back woods when I went to go attack birds
Yeah, and ever since you left me I've been having withdrawls
Unlucky in life so I went up to the kid beside me and switched straws
Back in the day when all we had to worry about was getting picked for ball
Now all I have to worry about is spitting raw
Shit, always hitting hard never getting soft
Like I swallowed a whole bottle of Viagra, now get me off
And now I'm getting pissed off so I'm flicking you off
What did you say, Shawty? You got my dick in your jaw

I'll show re-do this how I would have done it if I were to write something like this:

I got emcees lined up, yo, this is my fight club
They call me tyler durden how I don't even like chumps
high and on the bourbon, in the back I did nine bumps..
I'm a liar for certain...
If you claim you're not wack then I'm aiming a line-punch ((wtf is this?))
straight in the eye.. I think I got shit backwards
not known to slack words..
I musta left my brain un-intact in the back woods
when I went to attack birds
the facts hurt..
since you left me I've been having withdrawls
panics and all.. I'm unlucky in life
I switched straws with my neighbor now I'm stuck in the fight
I'm ducking the rights,
wishing that my worries all consisted of nothing to write
and getting picked for a ball game..
I'm spitting the raw flames..
Hitting hard with taut rage, it's all day
you'll never see me getting soft..
I'm swallowing viagra with your ass up, getting me off
you're pissing me off, so I'm flipping you off...
Bitch, did you just bark?
how the hell you gonna speak with my dick in your jaw??



You had too many syllables in some places and not enough in others. I didn't write this to a beat, it's just years of experience. It comes with time. These guys aren't being assholes. Take the advice. Especially from people like Solace who have been at this for a long time.