IBasicallyRage wrote:
Not being violent is a good thing. Even after I became physical with those who would torture me, I still had verbal abuse thrown at me. I still am receiving verbal abuse daily. But I didn't let it get to me, I still don't let it get to me.
I try not to crack, but I am on both sides of bullying.. I receive and give it... I am mean to my younger brother... I regret it everyday... I feel bad about it.. it's just I let go of my anger on him.. I'm getting better with not being mean to him.
I was only ever bullied about my appearance. I ended up learning how to not let it get to me. And just as you did, I turned to music! Rap music entirely, Eminem became my inspiration. His music and others helped me get through the verbal abuse. I, just as you did, wrote songs, lyrics, rhymes, just to get through the day. I remembered my study halls I would pull out my giant binder full of papers I wrote lyrics on. It helped.
Unlike you and your sister, my school isn't as big, theres about 700 kids in the high school. But that's crazy man...
And that is great, moving to a new school, may help!
The situation with your brother, i feel, is kinda normal, i mean, with me, there was a time where i had major anger issues, i believe this was all from the shit i dealt with from school, i have a brother in college right now, and another sister, i think she's...19 or 20 now, idk, me and her don't speak cuz she is the type of person who will use you, for example, if she needs money and you have it, she'll be your best bud, but once you cannot help her, you aint shit to her, she does this with my dad, one minute, she'll be buddy buddy with my dad but as soon as he cannot help her with money, she treats him like shit and becomes best buds with my mom, which to me, means she should never be trusted again, if she speaks to my mom she is the enemy forever, no second chances, but, back when i was younger.
i'd have crazy anger outbursts, my brother is the type that in school, he was in 8th grade, and running his mouth to senior high schoolers, since they couldn't legally hit him...guess who these seniors came after? me, so, i'd go home, and take it out on him, there was one day he mouthed off to me and i blacked out, when i realized what was going on, i had him against a wall with my hands around his throat, i let him go and immediatly walked out of the house, i went for like, a 10 mile walk around the lake, that was usually how i calmed down, i would go for walks.
now i'm more calm, obviously because i'm not getting pushed around 8 hours a day, your brother will understand later in life and will not hold it against you, i mean, as much as i verbally abused, and sometimes psychically abused my brother in a blind rage, the last time i saw him was when he was on christmas break from college and came to Florida to visit a couple years ago, and me and him were more like best friends than brothers, we'd be in the car laughin our ass off about shit, hangin out, my sister was still in school for a few days at the time and we both went to visit her for lunch, while waiting for her my brother was asking me questions about the day my mom left and all that, he's in college to become a therapist, so, i think he was trying to evaluate the family lmao, but like i said, your brother will later understand everything, as long as you don't try to kill him or some shit lmao.
me and my little sister tho, she knows i would never hurt her, i'm way to protective of her,
EDIT: About the school size, it was definitly crazy, in 2001, i left that school and moved to Iowa, MAJOR difference, i went from a school where easily 200-300 students would be in the halls at once, to...my graduation class in Iowa consisted of me, and 20 other students, lmao,
the other day when i went to visit, the bell rang as i was walking in the school, there was hundreds of students in the auditoriam while 2 police officers stood by the front door, the officers, that was new, i remember when i went, they only started to have officers after a gun threat, one day somebody threatened to bring a gun, after that, the sschool always had police there, but it still did not stop the fights,
My heart goes out to you and everyone else who is struggling with bullying or knows someone is dealing with it. I faced some bullying (mostly verbal though) in middle school and it maybe extended somewhat into my first year of high school but now I'm doing ok. I think a lot of it was that I was a particularly small kid who didn't hit his growth spurt until high school whereas most kids were getting taller/bigger in middle school. I also was pretty socially awkward and felt different from a lot of the other kids (but I've worked through that and am much healthier socially and my self-esteem is much higher now; I think part of the emotional weakness also had to do with how my Dad treated me at times). 