NEW - Loser

[Solace]

Thanks. Overall i see htat it was a pretty average and generic peice. So yes i gotta scrap this ...


But were there any lines that were worth keeping?

[Emadyville]

I think it was just ok. Nothing special, the rhymes were nothing special, and like dude said was kinda like an e-letter or something, not knocking you you said this shit happened, that's still how it comes off tho. Not the greatest i'm not going to lie, should scrap this one, you can do better.

Really? Damn. Thanks for the honesty tho Should i really just scrap it, or could i like do something to make it better?

Yeah well I mean, I just read it again, and it just is too static-like, like reading it sounds like you just thought of shit and wrote it how you would talk if you were really pissed, not how it should sound. Idk if that that made sense, like these lines for example:

You're twice the size, you fuckin' sleazy cunt,
And you used a fucking belt, you frickin' pussy,

It sounds like you were really pissed and just throwing out words at someone, I think if you took the song and rewrote it and made it more plausible for a written verse it would flow better, sound more real. Like if you took those lines and said something like:

You're twice the size but that's the cards you were dealt,
You're still a fucking pussy cause you had to use a belt.

I hope you see what I mean, I think that version flows, keeps the rhymes in line, and is easier to understand, and still keeps the message and thoughts of your topic. I hope this helped?

[Solace]

Thanks man, that helped me a lot on what your saying. When i get time Im definately concentrating on lines for this.

[Requiem]

You don't like boys? Then why do you tackle them down,
*Announcer Voice:* "Someone please give this drag queen a crown",
i don't even need to diss you, cuz i'm dre in the Eazy fight,
wrong or right, i win by a landslide over this mic

^hands down some of the best lines in a lyrics ever
pretty soon u won't even need me to proofread, u ill on ur own, epiphany

[Solace]

Haha i must thank you for proofreading my stuff, making it really good and stuff. You always find a sick way to twist it up! After this is fully sick, I gotta record it in spare time (other than the Tape).

edit: damn it when i thought i was done with this there were 3 edits. since ive been fixing it up, even the little mistakes ive gotten 13. grrr

[Emadyville]

Thanks man, that helped me a lot on what your saying. When i get time Im definately concentrating on lines for this.

I'm glad, sorry I wasn't as productive on my first post.

[Solace]

Thanks man, that helped me a lot on what your saying. When i get time Im definately concentrating on lines for this.

I'm glad, sorry I wasn't as productive on my first post.

Any feed im good with, specially from you.

[Emadyville]

Ok read the new version and I def think it's better. I think the beginning of the second verse still was little shaky, but overall the rhymes fit more, were better, seemed to be more real, and you ended it really well. Could fully understand everything that went down and how you felt through the whole thing. Much improved, good work.

[Solace]

Ok read the new version and I def think it's better. I think the beginning of the second verse still was little shaky, but overall the rhymes fit more, were better, seemed to be more real, and you ended it really well. Could fully understand everything that went down and how you felt through the whole thing. Much improved, good work.

Thanks Still thinking how to improve other lines. Ill try to fix up the beginnin of the second verse too.

[Requiem]

for the so tight line how about

"so tight, i felt the air bein' squeezed outta my lungs,"

and then for the ran away,

"Ran away, cuz when ur alone u know u can't win a fight,"
^works better with "got grade nines to back u"

good shizz man,

[Solace]

okay thanks, ill use those

PS. Thought you went to walmart. Did you get the book?

[Requiem]

okay thanks, ill use those

PS. Thought you went to walmart. Did you get the book?

was on the way, forgot something, had to come back. now we're looking for this lost credit card, great fun going to go back into town when we find it. till then, TR!