murder going on - verse

[Slim Zaddy]

One day I get back home, I found the door was open left alone
I was not grown to think on my own, my thoughts were shatter on floor
I opened a door I found a whore laying on the floor, like death solders on cold war
I can’t handle it anymore, seeing all these like a serial killer own décor
I was like ohhhh no, this shit is affecting me more I had to snore calling Lenore
I explored the ground floor once more, I found pour blood on some gore
I knew there was a murder going on, I was looking for rapport that’s all
I ignore the fact that I was on sore, I just wanna step on the fore
I called da police to come nd hold on da peace ,nd cease my fear so I can stand on me feet
And release all of these crime scenes, that are over seas on my head causing me ill disease

[Solace]

Reminded me of Eminems Murder Murder and the creative piece Ice Killa posted like 3 days ago (The Day I Wasnt Home). It was good, 7.5/10, definately better than Run Bitch Run. I liked the cold war line. I only didnt understand one line,

"I explored the ground floor once more I found pour blood on some gore"

You found "pour" blood "on" gore? Dont get it, explain please

The way you ended it was good. So yeah, keep it up!

[Slim Zaddy]

Reminded me of Eminems Murder Murder and the creative piece Ice Killa posted like 3 days ago (The Day I Wasnt Home). It was good, 7.5/10, definately better than Run Bitch Run. I liked the cold war line. I only didnt understand one line,

"I explored the ground floor once more I found pour blood on some gore"

You found "pour" blood "on" gore? Dont get it, explain please

The way you ended it was good. So yeah, keep it up!

Glad u liked it shadymademe .. And ya it's better cuz i take more time to write it man ... i learned from my mistake.. i wont rush anymore .. Anyway talking about that line.. What i mean is that i found a large amount of blood on a piece of cloth on the ground floor which is related to the murder. Pour = large amount, gore means a piece of cloth, so i hope it does make sense to you right know bro... And thanks for checking it up..

[Solace]

Oh okay lol i thought you meant "pour" as in "im pouring a glass of water" and "gore" as in like depictions of death and blood. I didnt know how you could pour blood on depictions of blood lmao. Thanks for clearing it up

[Slim Zaddy]

Oh okay lol i thought you meant "pour" as in "im pouring a glass of water" and "gore" as in like depictions of death and blood. I didnt know how you could pour blood on depictions of blood lmao. Thanks for clearing it up

pal , you are more than welcome .. i want to see more from writing . so come up wit a new verse .

[Solace]

Oh okay lol i thought you meant "pour" as in "im pouring a glass of water" and "gore" as in like depictions of death and blood. I didnt know how you could pour blood on depictions of blood lmao. Thanks for clearing it up

pal , you are more than welcome .. i want to see more from writing . so come up wit a new verse .

I just posted up another

[Slim Zaddy]

I liked it alot man

I was like ohhhh no, this shit is affecting me more I had to snore calling Lenore

Love the lenore part

Nice to see another good writer here

glad u liked it chet , i do really appreciate your comment bro .. nice to hear from u again

[neversnooze]

this was like a horror story,neighter lyrics nor poetry. Sorry man i didnt think it was good, you should use comma's to help the reader out, also you could try to rhyme a little more.

5 out of 10

[Slim Zaddy]

this was like a horror story,neighter lyrics nor poetry. Sorry man i didnt think it was good, you should use comma's to help the reader out, also you could try to rhyme a little more.

5 out of 10

Well neversnooze , i respect ur opinion pal ..Maybe cuz u dont like horror at all lol .. .. i adore it man .. but i think that it rhyme well .. it was short but it has a flow and rhymes .. maybe if i expand my thoughts it will be a little better ,, but for me this length is suitable ,, anyway gd luck .. man..

[Solace]

Yeah i agree with neversnooze on one thing, use commas so we can tell the small pauses and itll just have better structure that way.

[Ka0t1c]

the other real problem i have with this piece is that it sounds like u wrote it wrong like bad english but i know youre not american so many will have mixed feelings on that.


i give it a 6/10 cuz i think it seems rushed, too focused on one rhyme and i think u should improve on writing patterns and multies if u wanna take ur music and mind further down the road

[Slim Zaddy]

the other real problem i have with this piece is that it sounds like u wrote it wrong like bad english but i know youre not american so many will have mixed feelings on that.


i give it a 6/10 cuz i think it seems rushed, too focused on one rhyme and i think u should improve on writing patterns and multies if u wanna take ur music and mind further down the road

i think you right by focused in one rhyme , but this verse i made it up to sound like this , but next verses i will try what u advices me to do pal by using multies nd patterns .. so i'm glad u Check it out ..

[Slim Zaddy]

Yeah i agree with neversnooze on one thing, use commas so we can tell the small pauses and itll just have better structure that way.

okay if u agree wit him in this thing , then i agree wit u 2 ,, i will put the commas ,, cuz yes u 2 are right it will have a better structure ..