Emotions Expolodin ( verse)

[Slim Zaddy]

feedback would be much appreciated

There are two things in life u can’t play with,
Providence nd time of your own death,
Sometimes I fell like I’m out of breath,
everything just backfires on me on huge depth,
Once I feel like I hve found my optimism road,
something Dreadful occurs turns it backward,
I’m just sickin of it I need to be heard,
all da things I preferred won’t be occurred,
I feel like my life have just transferred into absurd,
I want to fly high like a pelagic bird,
Emotions are just shared,
I can’t see things clear I feel like my life is blurred,
I’m always on blame,
it’s the same things won’t changed, I want to hve an aim,
It’s a shame, I feel like tame,
it turns to be not my game ,
fate can't be restrained,
People have changed, life is like a flame,
that’s what these 2 have became,
Everyone is after fame, I’m after a girl,
I know nothing but her name which is mayme,
There is a rule, never be a fool,
don’t treat gilrs like u do wit ur tools, this shit aint cool,
Don’t treat them cruel, they are soft,
there mind is off and on, carry on buy them jewel,
I hve nothing more, my mind is closed,
I’m out of words, emotions are just blurred,
I’m on sore , I had to keep carrying on ,
I’m a let my tribulation deferred. It’s a word,

[James R.]

I think the lines are too long. You start rhyming in the middle of the lines a few bars into it which made the rhyming easier to follow. Just a tip, no matter if you're rhyming or not, if you're hitting upwards of 20 syllables without a rhyme it gets hard to stay with the rhyming, so just be careful of that. Anyways, the rhymes were decent, but you could be smidge more complex. Longer words, maybe some multies. Spice it up man.

[Slim Zaddy]

I think the lines are too long. You start rhyming in the middle of the lines a few bars into it which made the rhyming easier to follow. Just a tip, no matter if you're rhyming or not, if you're hitting upwards of 20 syllables without a rhyme it gets hard to stay with the rhyming, so just be careful of that. Anyways, the rhymes were decent, but you could be smidge more complex. Longer words, maybe some multies. Spice it up man.

thanks for the advice james .. i'm a re do it , nd keep working on it .. on my next verses

[Slim Zaddy]

only james who had feedback this verse .. let me know what do u think of it ..

[Slim Zaddy]

I liked the rhyming, it was good.

The subject was awesome great, but I lost interest once it' turn to girls. You pretty much switched what the whole verse was about, and I was enjoyed it's subject before the girl talk.

so good 1st half

glad u liked the first half chet , i think you right ,, i should hve stayed on the subject,, but i dont know when i was writing , i remember chicks and staff so i put em on the verse ,, thanks man ,, waitin from ya new drop bro ..