test me [reposted fixed] feedback pleez

[tjb]

try me, got something to say?/
one word,zall it takes to take ur breath away
like hangin on by your last breath/
hangin on to the last glimpse of air caught in ur neck
check...mate, like we playin chess,/
i dont feel for ya sry,i just feel for, ya ladys breasts
oo yes, im flying off the handle/
like this rap is scoring, like its hit by mickey mantle
dont change the channel.. the shows not over yet/
still gotta show u tht i am the best
check it im freshh, like brand new/
not mainstream but i could care less id rather stick to roots
wear the same boots.. never change for money/
even if... i was the fastest thing comin
and i will spite you/
like im god, like i didnt like you, like i saw your flawss
and i realize my flow broke in tht last line/
fine, but my point its not tht im jealous
just cuz you released a new rhyme/
dont mean were overzealous...

[Slim Zaddy]

it's looks better ,,. but still structure is missed up . try to write a new verse , and use more vocab . but i liked the concept here it's good .