He said she said

[neb121]

I am working on my album and also working on extra songs that won't be on my album and I came across this song I wrote like 6 months ago. It's called he said she said and it's basically about a girl thinking and a guy thinking and how they think different. I am not trying to depict guys in anyway. but this is how i see it from my point of view and what i been through. this is the first verse its not finished yet and still needs some work and needs to be finished but here is what i have so far:

she said
she loves him
he means everything to her
he said i was so drunk
everything was a blur
she said he's one of a kind
and i can't get him off my mind
he said he seen another girl just as fly
he got her number and its gonna happen this time
she's thinking he thinking of her right now
but really what he's thinking about is when it's gonna go down
she wants to spend the rest of her life with him
but he playing her he just wants to fit in

[neversnooze]

i liked how it starts out with a few details and each line progresses with more detail, it was sweet

[Solace]

structure was bad, and its wayyyyyyyyy too short for 1 verse. Its like 1/3 of a verse. Didnt even have 1 multi, no rhetorical devices which made it quite boring. It wasnt good in my opinion, but i liked the concept. 4/10. Ill read it when its done

[mist15806]

she said
she loves him
he means everything to her
he said i was so drunk
everything was a blur
she said he's one of a kind
and i can't get him off my mind
he said he seen another girl just as fly
he got her number and its gonna happen this time
she's thinking he thinking of her right now
but really what he's thinking about is when it's gonna go down
she wants to spend the rest of her life with him
but he playing her he just wants to fit in

"she said she loves him he means everything to her" is one line, so from there u should make the rest of ur lines about that length. that'll help ur structure, add some mutlis in it and some metaphores. with that, it'll be a lot better

[Solace]

So this is pretty much it:

she said she loves him, he means everything to her
he said i was so drunk, everything was a blur
she said he's one of a kind, and i can't get him off my mind
he said he seen another girl just as fly
he got her number and its gonna happen this time
she's thinking he thinking of her right now
but really what he's thinking about is when it's gonna go down
she wants to spend the rest of her life with him
but he playing her he just wants to fit in

[MC Anonymous]

Pretty damn awful....

You could definitely work on structure, you subject matter was completely played out, your rhymes were that of a cat in the hat book, your metaphors and similes were non-existent, and if there was some they were complete failure attempts.

[mist15806]

she said she loves him, he means everything to her
he said i was so drunk, i see everything as a blur
she said he's one of a kind i can't get him off my mind
he said he saw another girl who also fine and caught his eye
he got her number and he's hopin to get it on this time
she's thinking that he's prolly thinking of her right now
but he's really thinking about turning the lights out
she said she wants to spend the rest of her life with him
but he playing with her he just wants the right to fit in

i pretty much just fixed the structure up a bit and added a few multis (not much), but the metaphores are something you gotta come up with. this is just a suggestion though, keep practicing.

[Solace]

she said she loves him, he means everything to her
he said i was so drunk, i see everything as a blur
she said he's one of a kind i can't get him off my mind
he said he saw another girl who also fine and caught his eye
he got her number and he's hopin to get it on this time
she's thinking that he's prolly thinking of her right now
but he's really thinking about turning the lights out
she said she wants to spend the rest of her life with him
but he playing with her he just wants the right to fit in

i pretty much just fixed the structure up a bit and added a few multis (not much), but the metaphores are something you gotta come up with. this is just a suggestion though, keep practicing.

that version is a lot better.

[Boston]

its not as bad when the structure is properly fixed, the concept is pretty good though.
but oh come on, you cant just talk about guys doing this shit, there are A LOT of girls that are sluts.

[neb121]

she's thinking that he's prolly thinking of her right now
but he's really thinking about turning the lights out

don't get what you mean by that

and it's not done yet so when its done ill post it

Boston I know there are many girls who do that too but i am just writing it as what I been through from my point of view. Like I said. I am not depicting any guys.

[Solace]

she's thinking that he's prolly thinking of her right now
but he's really thinking about turning the lights out

don't get what you mean by that

pretty much what you meant when you said "when its gunna go down"

like lights out=having sex

i think thats it, at least

[mcZu]

she's thinking that he's prolly thinking of her right now
but he's really thinking about turning the lights out

don't get what you mean by that

and it's not done yet so when its done ill post it

Boston I know there are many girls who do that too but i am just writing it as what I been through from my point of view. Like I said. I am not depicting any guys.

Ahum...Turning out the lights can be a methaphor for dumping her...She thinks about him, he thinks about breaking up...

[Solace]

she's thinking that he's prolly thinking of her right now
but he's really thinking about turning the lights out

don't get what you mean by that

and it's not done yet so when its done ill post it

Boston I know there are many girls who do that too but i am just writing it as what I been through from my point of view. Like I said. I am not depicting any guys.

Ahum...Turning out the lights can be a methaphor for dumping her...She thinks about him, he thinks about breaking up...

oh never thought about that lol

[mcZu]

^Yours could be true to, as in turning out the lights to get down with her lol.

[neb121]

oh okay. well thanks guys. ill post the rest when its done. maybe ill just post the audio instead.