Small Things

[Slovinec]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMZfdLKa ... re=related


i like the grass green,
and the sky bright blue
i really enjoy the sunshine i do
when i wake up i look up to
theres nuttin more beautifull then what u do
ima put everything back up aside
and stop doing this shit, u know what i mean
im not gonna lie
But when it hits summer ima be playing outside
Just like when i was younger on the slide
its all good my young ones, my young bloods
live your live to the fullest before god comes


this isnt fully done, i wrote the orignal one in study hall when it was so nice outside,,and i lost the paperso i had to try to remake

[gutawafang]

hmmmmm.

i'm waiting for the next few lines.

[James R.]

Flow was followable. Rhyme scheme was ok because the lines were so short. Rhyming was EXTREMELY basic, so I'd encourage you to throw in some multies or just start rhyming bigger words. Increasing your vocabulary will always help your rhyming and better rhyming (if used correctly) will almost always help your flow. You can read through a dictionary, but I'd suggest just reading more books and looking up any words you don't know. The thing you'll never get from a dictionary is a good example of language. So defo read more if you don't already. Umm past that it was ok, I liked the message about enjoying the small things and whatnot, but a little more complexity and some longer lines and more creative lines would be great.

[gutawafang]

Flow was followable. Rhyme scheme was ok because the lines were so short. Rhyming was EXTREMELY basic, so I'd encourage you to throw in some multies or just start rhyming bigger words. Increasing your vocabulary will always help your rhyming and better rhyming (if used correctly) will almost always help your flow. You can read through a dictionary, but I'd suggest just reading more books and looking up any words you don't know. The thing you'll never get from a dictionary is a good example of language. So defo read more if you don't already. Umm past that it was ok, I liked the message about enjoying the small things and whatnot, but a little more complexity and some longer lines and more creative lines would be great.

hmmm. it's been YEARS since i read books. nice one james.

[James R.]

^I'm not much of a reader myself, but try reading non-fiction and short stories. It gives you GREAT examples of amazing diction (with both), and the short stories really show you HOW to express yourself in a story format. It's honestly just as important as writing often. Seriously. You can get all the feed from as many people as you want, but they're not going to give you your own style, and a lot of people who feed here are beginners themselves. But a good short story? Man that shit is priceless in the long run. Non fiction also helps with storytelling, but on a less creative level. More like recalling events and expressing them rather than creating the events.

[gutawafang]

^I'm not much of a reader myself, but try reading non-fiction and short stories. It gives you GREAT examples of amazing diction (with both), and the short stories really show you HOW to express yourself in a story format. It's honestly just as important as writing often. Seriously. You can get all the feed from as many people as you want, but they're not going to give you your own style, and a lot of people who feed here are beginners themselves. But a good short story? Man that shit is priceless in the long run. Non fiction also helps with storytelling, but on a less creative level. More like recalling events and expressing them rather than creating the events.

i'll take noe of what u say. but i'ma start reading this friday onwards. thanks james.