food court 6 girl

[gutawafang]

yeah right, i was there right
i stare right into her eyes, like,
i was so stunned, hottest sun can't be hotter
i was chasing her and i thought i got her

my heart beats like nature starts this
how fate part this, then depart this
i could feel it beat so fast my words can't catch up
it blasts, and i feel like it hurts ass smashed up

when i see you, my pretty food court 6 girl
i wanna see you again, for good, in short, peace girl
would i be able to, since we don't even know our names
this is not the time for us to play flower games

stare, is all i do when i see you
glare, is all i'll do if i'm with you
and there, i go again with my review
not to critique you, "we don't belong", i believe you

but today, seeing you was like being in love, once more
little rhymes come to my head, and there tons more
thumping, singing, whistling, wishes come true
jumping, swinging, bristling, fishes i'm true

I wrote this when I saw that girl.

[Slim Zaddy]

well it's was a good drop ,, but not the best of ya , some parts were rush ,, the rhymes were good but repeated alot , flow was okay .. and the i love the concept.. i want you to take your time and write an emotional piece like this one ,, but make it creative .. you got skills , gd job here bro

[Ka0t1c]

umm... i don't get how it's good but i agree with z_em on taking your time to get your complete thought which shows emotion, with better words to describe things going on.

[James R.]

I don't like it. The rhyming was complexly basic. Like you have a 2 or 3 word multie, but the last words would be the same (usually this or you) and that took away from the piece. Something like this doesn't have enough emotion attached to it, in my opinion, to make up for the basic rhyming you had. On top of that I feel like the story was very broken. I'm still not sure what stage of the relationship you were in with this girl. Or if you even knew her like Jay-Z did in Excuse Me Miss. The flow was good, and consistent though which was a bit of an issue for you before. Keep practicing man. You just need to tighten this up and make your thoughts a little more clear, and I know that lyrically you can do much better.

[gutawafang]

I don't like it. The rhyming was complexly basic. Like you have a 2 or 3 word multie, but the last words would be the same (usually this or you) and that took away from the piece. Something like this doesn't have enough emotion attached to it, in my opinion, to make up for the basic rhyming you had. On top of that I feel like the story was very broken. I'm still not sure what stage of the relationship you were in with this girl. Or if you even knew her like Jay-Z did in Excuse Me Miss. The flow was good, and consistent though which was a bit of an issue for you before. Keep practicing man. You just need to tighten this up and make your thoughts a little more clear, and I know that lyrically you can do much better.

Thanks for the honest feed. I agree I did this rhyme in less than fifteen minutes. LOL I rushed it out. I will keep practicing man. Thanks for the feed. I'll take it to heart.

well it's was a good drop ,, but not the best of ya , some parts were rush ,, the rhymes were good but repeated alot , flow was okay .. and the i love the concept.. i want you to take your time and write an emotional piece like this one ,, but make it creative .. you got skills , gd job here bro

Thank you sir. Thank you for always telling me to improve.

umm... i don't get how it's good but i agree with z_em on taking your time to get your complete thought which shows emotion, with better words to describe things going on.

I'll improve my vocab.

[neversnooze]

for something that was done quick, it still attained the meaning and flow was on and off

if you are really interested in writing poetry, join this site http://www.your-poetry.com for more feed on your work

[gutawafang]

for something that was done quick, it still attained the meaning and flow was on and off

if you are really interested in writing poetry, join this site http://www.your-poetry.com for more feed on your work

thank you sir. i may go and join.

[Solace]

Verrry simple, and had really short lines. The emotion was there. As Kaotic said, earn a better vocabulary and your pieces will improve quickly.

[gutawafang]

Verrry simple, and had really short lines. The emotion was there. As Kaotic said, earn a better vocabulary and your pieces will improve quickly.

Thank you Epiphany.