My Hatred

[Solace]

dude in the same day you bump your thread twice? Bumping doesnt help either, especially when its already the first topic in Creative Writing that you see.

[Le Tunisien]

lol begging for dead backs xD

[gutawafang]

Hatred indeed. But not expressed so beautifully.

I mean, the mr and mrs smith line didn't hook me man. But good practice!

[Slim Zaddy]

it was'nt good or bad. it's kinda in between , really you have some lines which are good , others are not .. the flow is good but you runied it at the end ,, lyrics and rhymes were simple , but it was structured well .. so it's a good practice as said .. keep writing bro .. gd luck

[gutawafang]

Hatred indeed. But not expressed so beautifully.

I mean, the mr and mrs smith line didn't hook me man. But good practice!

you seen the movie???

Watching the movie's not the point. Point is, you didn't attract much attention with that phrase. Well, just an opinion of mine though.

[James R.]

"Eh" was my reaction to it. It had some nice lines about killing her and it's obvious you're not fond of this girl, but while you could tell it was angry it was blind anger for a reader. There weren't any under currents of sadness or remorse or mourning or anything like that, it was just "GAHHH I'M PISSED BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and nothing else. Mechanically it was good with the rhyming and multies. Flow went off for me in a couple places because a line was a word or two too long. But the emotion was very one dimensional.

[MC Anonymous]

"Eh" was my reaction to it. It had some nice lines about killing her and it's obvious you're not fond of this girl, but while you could tell it was angry it was blind anger for a reader. There weren't any under currents of sadness or remorse or mourning or anything like that, it was just "GAHHH I'M PISSED BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and nothing else. Mechanically it was good with the rhyming and multies. Flow went off for me in a couple places because a line was a word or two too long. But the emotion was very one dimensional.

I agree 100%

[Solace]

"Eh" was my reaction to it. It had some nice lines about killing her and it's obvious you're not fond of this girl, but while you could tell it was angry it was blind anger for a reader. There weren't any under currents of sadness or remorse or mourning or anything like that, it was just "GAHHH I'M PISSED BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and nothing else. Mechanically it was good with the rhyming and multies. Flow went off for me in a couple places because a line was a word or two too long. But the emotion was very one dimensional.

As MC Anonymous agrees, so do I. Not much else to say. And we shall continue to comment cause you wanted feedback and now we're giving it so take it.

[James R.]

It's not a shameful excuse for anything, nor does it blow. You can do better, and while it's not your best I'm sure you've written something weaker. And there's no need to apologize. This isn't doing anything but helping you man. You're probably going to write a piece similar to this one day and when you do, you can look back at this and see how to take it from a decent song to a good song or even a great song. Nothing to be ashamed of. We all fall off the ball a little bit sometimes, especially when it's something new (I've never seen you write something like this before I don't think)

[James R.]

Lol I do what I can. I just know how it feels to not get the feedback you were hoping for and get pissed/frustrated/discouraged is all.

[James R.]

I mean heck if you get on a role eventually you even think shit is Golden

Lol well if smtn is shit then trust I'll let the person know it's shit, but I think you're your worst critic so you go harder on yourself than necessary.