#1

[tjb]

i think im gonna strangle tomorow outtta today
or chop it up, an spit it out or make some filett
filet is made for the fishes
like my cocks made for the bitchs
an im an itch you cant scratch or a bug, you wanna squish it
never ever finished an ill give ya ah for instance
cuz if a bullet fires, i hail waves in an instant,
dont hear back for minutes
maby or an hour but im precise like jack bauer
but an my ems back down, blind fire, and cower
yes im just fresh and your going sour
im feeling so best your feeling down an outter
an if your the bone im the bomb i grind you into powders
oo i am the man of the hour an im drop like hiroshima
or better nagasaki cuz if you haters hate
then i drop an double team....... but with one hand like roki
but did i tell ya im a lefti yes i just gefted
oops i meant gifted
an 1#'s shifted
cuz now its me cuz from you it lifted

[tjb]

ik structures iffy but this is in the makin an i feel like i say tht bout stuf but lose inspiration but this one rele is feedback is appreciated but not about my structure.

[tjb]

yea but i meant it in 2 different ways

[tjb]

i fixed

[Slim Zaddy]

well to me i dont like it , it was a good attempt though , i can see that you got potential , nd skills but you dont know how to use them in writing , or you're not putting much effort in it , it's like you just wanna drop something , and le't be what ever it is .. so you gotta think how to be creative and develop yourself , by not allowing yourself from dropping piece like this,, this lack flow , rhymes ,lyrics were average , multies were weak , structure is missed up , actually everything , so try to motivate yourself when writing and try as much as you can to write something that can leave an impact on us . keep practicing and writing , and you will be reach your aim .. gd luck man

[James R.]

This is terrible to me. You said don't mention the structure, but that affects the mechanics of your song. Like driving a car that's not properly aligned. The flow was off. The rhyming was very basic. The concepts didn't even make sense all the time. The first 4-6 bars should be cut out of the song. There was little or no wordplay, didn't see many if any metaphors or similes. This was just not good at all. Most of it had this vibe like you thought you were making a great point, but you weren't actually saying anything at all.

[gutawafang]

I can't rap it out. They rhyme. But too little multis. I mean, yeah it sounds kinda boring.

oo i am the man of the hour an im drop like hiroshima
or better nagasaki cuz if you haters hate
I find this line nice though.