A Wait In The Park

[yamahiney16]

In mid July, the sun grows hot,
planes in the sky,
just a dot,
flying on by.

As i sit and watch kids play in the park,,
sitting just by a tree,
untill it is dark,
a feeling empowers me of free.

The friend i was awaiting,
slowly walks up,
and as they ponit to their truck near the gating,
they ask, "sup?"

Any suggestions?

[MsZ_RoCkEtTe]

Sorry I'm a bit slow... but uhm suggestions on what??

[yamahiney16]

on improvements...lol...im slow too at times

[MsZ_RoCkEtTe]

Hmm I thought it was pretty good
I didnt quite understand the end though Lol

But yeah cool I'm glad I'm not the only slow one

[yamahiney16]

at the end he was basically asking if they are ready to go as they asked how they were
if that makes scense...cuz at this point i rlly dont think it does...lol

[MsZ_RoCkEtTe]

Oh I see now I thought the person was bout to get raped or something.... Please don't ask why

[yamahiney16]

lol

[MsZ_RoCkEtTe]

Lol...
I love the smileys here... There adorable

[yamahiney16]

lol...they are aren't they?

[MsZ_RoCkEtTe]

Lol yeah they really are

[yamahiney16]

lol

[Solace]

@ the posts

[MC Anonymous]

Nice effort, I would advise you to use more descriptive imagery adjectives, it would allow you to paint a more vivid picture with primary and secondary colors instead of only using primary colors. Also the structure is alright, could be more pronounced for a poem.

[yamahiney16]

thnx