new found hope (feed apreciated)

by **emzee-frenzy** » Aug 20th, '09, 10:37

i never would of expected everything just working out
lost my trust in women, that's what growing's all about
as a man in this sick world you gotta be ready for battle
never know what brick'll hit youre head from any angle
God never gave us shit more than we are fit to handle
that's how them bitch-ass rich kids ride bentley continentals
if they were us for 1 day they probably loose their mentals
but it's still aight, smoking trees on the block all night
then when daylight come we go home and write some real life
i'm only sixteen to be honest i don't know what i'm doing here anyway
read between the lines i promise this comes from my heart hurt everyday
haters doubting my capacity when i feel i can acomplish a great thing
so i'm shouting my animosity in rhymes, like it's my complice in creating
it's just that my soul is hurt, and i can't look at the scars yet
my whole spirit turned to dirt, when that slut threw me like garbage
a short time later my father died one day, after a 2 weeks coma watching him pass away
nothing can ever hurt me again the same way, psichologically scarred to the present day
but hey, life moves faster then light it's up to you to decide what's wrong or right
just follow your will inside, and you can get by despite all obstacles in sight.

by **Emadyville** » Aug 20th, '09, 16:03

There was no flow to it that I could find, that's something you gotta keep in mind and work on, the rhymes were extremely basic which is fine especially if you're just beginning to write verses/songs but sometimes they didn't rhyme at all (battle/angle, scars yet/garbage), your actual content was good I felt your words and that you definitely meant what you were saying.

So that's my feed on that I hope it helped some cause I'm guessing you're new to writing so I tried to be as thorough as I could and it's constructive criticism I hope I didn't sound like an asshole. Hope it helps and I'll try to feed anything else you write :y:

Keep writing :b:

by **emzee-frenzy** » Aug 20th, '09, 16:08

thx man, no you don't soound like an asshole, i tried to flow it to "grow up" beat, a bishop lamont song, heres the link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ggf8x0rECpE

and thank's for the criticism, yes i am new, appreciate it, yeah i focused on the message, so the structure and rhymes were on second plan. thx for the feed :flower:

by **Emadyville** » Aug 20th, '09, 16:13

Yeah man I know that song I actually have the instrumental for that track with Bishops hook still on it.

I just suggest you keep writing, even like 8 bar verses just to work on flow and structure cause rhyming will come and shit doesn't even have to be extremely lyrical, I happen to be a rapper who really focuses on and takes pride in rhyming well but I understand most people doing rap aren't like that. So keep workin hard :y:

by **gutawafang** » Aug 20th, '09, 18:54

Structure looks like a staircase!!!

Anyways, it's really good vocabulary you put there. PERIOD.

by **emzee-frenzy** » Aug 20th, '09, 19:54

thx guta

yeah i know it doesn't have good structure and shit, i just wrote random feelings i guess

by **emzee-frenzy** » Aug 20th, '09, 20:07

Emadyville wrote:Yeah man I know that song I actually have the instrumental for that track with Bishops hook still on it.

I just suggest you keep writing, even like 8 bar verses just to work on flow and structure cause rhyming will come and shit doesn't even have to be extremely lyrical, I happen to be a rapper who really focuses on and takes pride in rhyming well but I understand most people doing rap aren't like that. So keep workin hard

thx for the advise man, i do put a big price on lyrics, that's why i'm practicing hard on them :y: