The TRshady Forum became read-only in December 2014. The 10 year history will live on, in this archive.
Continue the discussion with the new home for the Eminem and Hip Hop discussion: HipHopShelter.com.

Weeping Willow (Please Feedback)

Want to share a poem, story or a moving article? Share creative literature text here.

Weeping Willow (Please Feedback)

Postby Relapse.LP » Oct 13th, '09, 07:37

Since day one, I've been cursed with a shame that's hard to admit/
But to entertain you: I had a younger brother who was born in sad shit/
Couldn't walk properly... because his heart was physically unstable/
And to say he could actually mutter a few words is a sickly-spun fable/
Our parents were too embarrassed to take him out in the public/
They left him at home alone a lot... so sad it made me want to cut wrists/
Easy for me to say... I never introduced him to my friends openly/
Didn't mean to do it, but one time, in brief anger, I pushed him coldly/

Fell to the floor and broke a leg; I couldn't apologize with words/
Jumped to his aid, but he bled bright crimson... a wrong sight, it hurt/
Rushed to the hospital by me when I had to call the hospital for aid/
My parents were out in a bar getting drunk; it's probable to say/
Doctor said it might take weeks just for him to fucking recover/
Couldn't communicate for him for a long time...unlucky to discover/
At age six, he was already blessed with a disease of loneliness/
But he still tried to impress me and appease; showed me shit/

Of pictures of us playing together after he had already returned home/
I loved him as a brother, but I couldn't speak to him... my hurt showed/
He couldn't talk so he stood there watching me there; curious without lies/
Questioning my brief sadness for him; he had such the purest, devout eyes/
Wanted him and us to have a secret place where we could hide out/
So I carried him deep into a forest and together, alone and secret, we lied down/
On the twilight grass and observed the dark skies above; it was silent/
But unnaturally comfortable... it felt perfect in our vault of heaven, I cried then/

Time passed like the seasons roll by... and as our parents died I began to realize/
The harsher realities of life; both of us sent to a foster home with Mrs. Hydes/
Had no pity or mercy on my brother's weakness and in anger, beat him/
He was eleven by then, but still without speech... she couldn't bring herself to see it/
I toughened as a person... hung out with the gangs and saw the horrors/
Of life, and me and my brother grew slowly apart... he was still the forest explorer/
Being more ashamed of him every day, I would rant on during my tantrums/
Embarrassed me in front of my new friends one time and from the woods I banned him/

My brother never seemed to understand my pain with his disability/
Still remembered those curious wide eyes... and lowered my hostility/
Promised him one night to take him down to the forest like old times/
We walked together, for he could walk a little, through the cold night/
Watched the stars for the last time... and then we heard a booming thunder/
Jumped up suddenly and watched rain pour on the woods' blooming wonder/
Didn't bring an umbrella that night so I decided we need to sprint back home/
Stood up and surveyed our path ahead of us; the rain like the ocean's sad foams/

Ran and ran until my legs burned like hell, but I couldn't stop now/
My brother wasn't far behind... I could hear his pants and I felt like being shot down/
I was that exhausted; kept sprinting as fast as my legs could take me/
Heard him fall to the ground behind me... but I thought he wasn't worth saving/
Moved forward with renewed vigor... all those times he made my life worse/
It was revenge now; my childish notions of fury pricked my side... it hurt/
Then, reality crashed upon me and I ran back like escaping from Satan/
Saw him crouched... blood stained his forehead like a funeral painting/

Reminded me of when I pushed him; fuck, God was sending me a message/
Tears poured from my eyes... I thought I would definitely die from the depression/
Looked up, the stars reflected in my pupils, and saw a weeping willow tree/
My dead brother against its trunk... leaning against it like a pillow, sleep.../
Broken-hearted... I knelt there for days; hunger was damn irrelevant/
Fuck my father... Fuck my mother... for never building ties, just severing them/
And why the hell did no God ever help me raise my precious brother?/
Screaming with anguish, I succumbed to the Devil in the rainstorm of summer/

Another story-telling rap/poem, but I added more multies in this one for practice.

FEEDBACK WOULD BE APPRECIATED. :flower:

If anyone can name the story that influenced me, while writing this, I will give you a cookie. :b:
Yo, from the first to the last of it; delivery is passionate/
The whole and not the half of it; vocab and not the math of it/
Projectile that them blasted with; accurate assassin shit/
Me and Kweli close like... Bethlehem and Nazareth/


-Black Star, Definition

Live free. Die hard.
User avatar
Relapse.LP
Renegade
Renegade
 
Posts: 2887
Joined: Apr 14th, '09, 02:34
Location: The Bay Area
Gender: Male

Re: Weeping Willow (Please Feedback)

Postby Yah-hah » Oct 13th, '09, 08:18

Dude......holy...dude That was so ridiculous man. Honestly the best I've seen from you. That was such dope imagery I felt that whole story. Seriously bro amazing job I'm blown away man Mad props :worship: :worship: :worship: :worship:
Image

"Red hand I use to reach deep in my dark quiver,
Arrow so big the fuckin bones in ya arm splinter
Fuckin crazy I'll stick my hand throgh ya hearts center,
With sharp scissors the words Native Pride gets carved in her,
"-Yah-hah

Trimss wrote:Your dog is cute, your tattoo fucking rocks, you can fight and your baby have a big dick.
Your life is cool bro lol :y:


Nundea Mekeze comin soon May 4th
User avatar
Yah-hah
Renegade
Renegade
 
Posts: 2724
Joined: Jun 7th, '09, 09:25
Location: El Dorado, Kansas USA
Gender: Male

Re: Weeping Willow (Please Feedback)

Postby DƎRDYPK » Oct 13th, '09, 13:20

Yah-hah wrote:Dude......holy...dude That was so ridiculous man. Honestly the best I've seen from you. That was such dope imagery I felt that whole story. Seriously bro amazing job I'm blown away man Mad props :worship: :worship: :worship: :worship:


I couldn't find the right words to describe your piece but Yah summed it up :y:
I love this drop :worship: keep dropping more story telling drops :p
your good at it ;)
User avatar
DƎRDYPK
Stanmilton
Stanmilton
 
Posts: 14613
Joined: Feb 7th, '09, 01:43
Gender: Male

Re: Weeping Willow (Please Feedback)

Postby Relapse.LP » Oct 14th, '09, 00:08

Yah-hah wrote:Dude......holy...dude That was so ridiculous man. Honestly the best I've seen from you. That was such dope imagery I felt that whole story. Seriously bro amazing job I'm blown away man Mad props :worship: :worship: :worship: :worship:


Thanks! :flower:

Coleon wrote:The Scarlet Ibis!


YOU GOT IT. That story got stuck in my head after I read it a longgg time ago. It's a dope short story.

DerdyPK wrote:
Yah-hah wrote:Dude......holy...dude That was so ridiculous man. Honestly the best I've seen from you. That was such dope imagery I felt that whole story. Seriously bro amazing job I'm blown away man Mad props :worship: :worship: :worship: :worship:


I couldn't find the right words to describe your piece but Yah summed it up :y:
I love this drop :worship: keep dropping more story telling drops :p
your good at it ;)


I will keep writing if people keep commenting. ;)
Yo, from the first to the last of it; delivery is passionate/
The whole and not the half of it; vocab and not the math of it/
Projectile that them blasted with; accurate assassin shit/
Me and Kweli close like... Bethlehem and Nazareth/


-Black Star, Definition

Live free. Die hard.
User avatar
Relapse.LP
Renegade
Renegade
 
Posts: 2887
Joined: Apr 14th, '09, 02:34
Location: The Bay Area
Gender: Male

Re: Weeping Willow (Please Feedback)

Postby Yah-hah » Oct 14th, '09, 00:10

Yeah dude I love readin these new story things you got goin on
Image

"Red hand I use to reach deep in my dark quiver,
Arrow so big the fuckin bones in ya arm splinter
Fuckin crazy I'll stick my hand throgh ya hearts center,
With sharp scissors the words Native Pride gets carved in her,
"-Yah-hah

Trimss wrote:Your dog is cute, your tattoo fucking rocks, you can fight and your baby have a big dick.
Your life is cool bro lol :y:


Nundea Mekeze comin soon May 4th
User avatar
Yah-hah
Renegade
Renegade
 
Posts: 2724
Joined: Jun 7th, '09, 09:25
Location: El Dorado, Kansas USA
Gender: Male


Return to Creative Writing



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users