what a day

[Edge]

working on a rap... got a verse, chorus and beggining of a second verse... i would appreciate honest feedback
heres the beat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxJ_K3EBgrk

from chillin in my room, pen and pad in hand just vibing/
to ridin with my boys syphin, vocals coliding/
never law abiding, smokin blunts with pesticides in side 'em/
call an asylum, i got evil plans i need to hide 'em/
before i get to high and i, wanna try them/
sold my soul to the devil, how'd i buy in?/
now im sittin misdirected, cryin/
im just a crazy white boy, whose gunna sign him?/
why m, i goin thru some shit i dont deserve/
hop behind the wheel drunk and swerve around the curve/
hop over the curb and i puncture all my nerves/
pen to the vocal box, puncturing my words/
curse over the verse/
bound to b great, pray the worst just dont come first/
runnin from the herse and from my deamons/
split personality, on the beat im double teamin/
steamin, im a nut like some seamen/
listenin to Cream and, other clasics by the Wu/
battelin ya crew like wht the fuck u gunna do?/
battle u and ya boy, i kill u one on two/
as i sip a brew, pop a yellow pill and than blue/
ya shit is through, bit off more than u could chew/
take a walk in my shoes, if u wanna see what imma do/


chorus---
gotta get another plan, find another way
light up some marijuana, and just float away
gotta get my shit together, before it goes astray
sometimes i cant take it, oh man, shit, what a day

verse 2

sometimes i feel so misconstrued/
im a white dude, who comes off as a nice dude/
but if u tempt me, i will surely bite u/
fight u, wether i like or i dislike u/
cuz up on the mic u/
gotta keep goin, u could never stop/
wether its the worst beat, or a brutal beat thats hot/
cuz when u stop, its a sign of weakness/
my thoughts r to complex, u cant speak this/
or even think this/
smoke until my eyes turn chinkish/

[Just Silver]

pretty good actually usually i dont expect much from a "in training"

real good

7.9/10

[j2dat]

i like the whole vibe feeling i get from reading this, its not bad at all man


although its just me, id switch that last line in the chorus somehow..maybe reword it..but if it satisfies u ... all good..

do u man...juz do u...

7/10

[Requiem]

not bad man... i think ur structure needs work tho.. the flow was good and ur rhymes are good as well, but
pen to the vocal box, puncturing my words/
curse over the verse/

it sounded nice but it was kind of awkward to flow...

anyways keep the shit up man

[Arrinef]

[Yah-hah]

I got the flow pretty good man. I think your rhymes were good. should try to work with multies more. Dig the Wu shouty lol. Just keep writing homie.

[Edge]

thanks for the feedback guys, appreciate it... gotta represent Wu... i live like a mile away from method haha